


Every Single Heartbreak

by EternallyEC



Category: Person of Interest (TV), Victorious (TV)
Genre: 31 day angst challenge, Domestic Violence, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Grief, Heavy Angst, Mind Control, More tags to be added, POI AU for one prompt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:54:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24100900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternallyEC/pseuds/EternallyEC
Summary: A collection of (likely unconnected) stories of varying lengths for a 31 Days of Angst challenge I found. Tags will be updated accordingly, but proceed with caution.
Relationships: Tori Vega/Jade West
Comments: 13
Kudos: 54





	1. Grief

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Major Character Death, Drug Use Mentioned  
> Hey all! First things first: I am really bad about remembering to do challenges every day, so I'm not even going to try with this one. I'll be tackling them as I remember, so updates may happen daily or whenever I feel inspired. 
> 
> Secondly, this challenge happened by pure chance. I was googling angst to see what would come up, and it was one of the first results. I don't want to overload the tags, so I'll only be tagging the most triggering things that come up, but each chapter that needs it WILL have a trigger warning. 
> 
> That all being said, please enjoy and let me know what you think! I'm using this to experiment with things (like in this chapter, I've never really done first-person in a long time, if ever), so I'd really appreciate the feedback!

When someone you love dies, it changes everything. 

It wasn't that I didn't know that before, but somehow seeing her in the casket makes everything that much more real and it's all I can do to grip onto the edges to maintain my balance as I stare down at her lifeless body. 

People often say death just looks like they're sleeping, but I don't see it. Her face is waxy, her make-up done just off the way she would have done it herself, and the differences are too much to deny as I take a shaky breath. There's no comfort to be found here as far as I can see, and I can see a lot.

It's worse because we're all still so young; we haven't even graduated college yet, how did she end up here? Of all of us, she's the last one I expected to be tempted by the world of drugs and alcohol. She was always so bright and upbeat and optimistic, so what darkness was she hiding from us? What kind of friends had we been that we never knew? 

And now she's gone and there's no going back, no fixing things. She's gone and it's _permanent_ and I have no idea what to do with anything. Not the memory of the phone call in the middle of the night, the sorrowful voice of my best friend as he told me that she was in the hospital and not expected to make it. Not the memory of how we'd gotten to the hospital too late, her parents in tears as they told us that she was gone, that she'd overdosed on something at a party. 

Not the way that I can still remember our last conversation that had happened too long ago; was it two weeks, maybe three before her death? We'd both been busy with our separate lives, something that makes my stomach twist with guilt now. Maybe if I had made more time for her, she would have talked to me instead of... 

"I'm so sorry," I whisper, unclenching one hand from the coffin, reaching out and gently touching her hand. "I'm so unbelievably sorry," I sob, my voice suddenly strangled as everything comes crashing down around me. 

And then, warm arms are wrapping around my waist and I'm reminded that even in the midst of all this ruin, I have one solid thing to cling to and she's standing right behind me. With another sob, I close my eyes and relinquish my hold on the coffin and sink back into her familiar body for support, some of the tension draining out of me at the familiar contact.

I know that she's suffering too, that she needs me as much as I need her. But in this moment, she just holds me. No words are exchanged; they aren't needed, they never are with us. And as I take one last look into the coffin, the contrast between her bright red hair and the white satin lining suddenly glaring, I'm grateful for that because I know there's nothing I could say at all.


	2. Mind Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 2: Mind Control
> 
> A POI AU-ish thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Quick note about today's prompt: when I think mind control, I think Person of Interest, full stop. I literally just started writing this and it poured out as what it is which, unfortunately, may not be very follow-able if you haven't seen POI, particularly seasons 4-5, and I couldn't really find a way to work in a summary or anything that wouldn't weigh the fic down. I feel bad, but it was really the only way I could think of to handle this prompt. 
> 
> With that being said, there are SPOILERS here for Person of Interest, so please don't read past this part if you haven't seen it and don't want spoilers. 
> 
> SPOILERS: POI is about a man who built an AI to predict terrorist attacks but ends up forming a small team to try to save the "irrelevant" numbers after the government nearly has him killed. Seasons 4-5 are about a bigger threat: a rival AI who threatens the world as we know it because, as dangerous as AI in general is, the rival AI was built by someone with no moral code and is a threat. 
> 
> Now, Tori and Jade are meant to be Root and Shaw, but with a few changes here and there to make them, well, them. The main thing to know is that in the course of events, Shaw (Jade) gets taken after saving the team and is tortured by the rival AI in an attempt to control her and get her to turn by using thousands of simulations to confuse her grip on reality. 
> 
> That's where this story picks up. If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

Tori would have given anything to have taken Jade’s place. 

The moment she was taken, just after Jade had pulled her into a searing kiss after  _ months _ , nearly years of fighting against her feelings, Tori had thought that she was going to die. 

Jade had always been a schemer, her quick thinking and ability to think outside the box having been part of why she’d been drafted into their project to begin with. But never had Tori thought that she’d be able to fool her so completely. 

But she had, pulling her into a kiss only to distract her enough to throw her to their ragtag group of friends before closing the gate of the elevator and sending them up. 

Honestly, Tori hadn’t thought Jade had it in her. She loved the woman, but Jade had worked in special ops for a reason: the lack of face-to-face fighting and the element of surprise. Jade never took on a fair fight if she could help it, and as for taking on a decidedly  _ unfair  _ fight, well… 

Honestly, Jade had only done it for Tori. The minute she’d realized they were in danger, all she’d wanted to do was run. But one look at the woman who’d somehow wormed her way past all her defenses and into her heart had changed her mind. For the first time, she had something worth dying for and she took the risk.

And even now, nine months later, lying nearly broken and defeated as she’s hooked up to the damn machine that will attempt to break her mind even more, she doesn’t regret it. She’d do it again in a heartbeat because she knows that Tori is alive and even if she never sees her again, that’s all that matters. 

~ 

The first time that she saw Tori after escaping, Jade doesn’t trust herself. She pointed the gun at the Latina and then herself, seriously considering just ending it all as her protective instincts rose up in her once again. 

In the end, it’s Tori’s calming voice whispering Spanish in her ear as her other hand gently lowers the gun that stops her. 

The simulations had never gotten the fact that she knew Spanish right and it’s the first sign of what she can finally hope is reality in her world of uncertainties, every action a possible simulation.

And then a gunshot rings out and Tori crumples in her arms with a pained gasp. Jade catches her, both going down as she helplessly watches red bloom across her white shirt. 

“Tori, Tori,  _ Tori,  _ no,” she whispers brokenly, shrugging out of her jacket and pressing it against the wound though she knows it’s hopeless. The shot was center mass and though she didn’t know much about the medical stuff, she knew that it had hit a bad place. 

“Jade?” 

“Tori,” she whimpers, leaning down to kiss her forehead as she coughs, blood bubbling from her mouth. “I love you,” she whispers and now, she’s beyond caring about anything. She reaches for her gun and locks eyes with Tori as she puts it to her temple again, hearing the approaching footsteps. 

She knows they’re hoping this will turn her to their side, knows that they’ll be pissed if she pulls the trigger. 

“I love you.” 

A shot rings out. 

Suddenly, Jade’s eyes are filled with a painfully bright, white light and she screams as she struggles against the restraints of the hospital bed. 

“Simulation number 6,742 was a failure, sir. She didn’t even encounter any of the others,” a bored, impatient voice says as she struggles for any kind of a grip on reality, but there’s none to be found. 

At this point, the only thing keeping her from going  _ completely  _ insane is Tori and it’s with that thought that she forces a feral grin when Greer comes to stand over her. 

“Tsk, tsk. My dear Jadelyn, I’d hoped that it wouldn’t come to this. Ms. Vega could have proven quite useful if we could have broken her, but you’re the asset we’ve deemed most important.” 

With a snap of his fingers, Tori is led into the room, struggling with all her might until the moment her eyes connect with Tori’s. 

Time seems to stand still as they lock eyes with each other, panic taking hold in Jade’s chest and making it hard to breathe. Tori’s okay, but Tori’s  _ here  _ and that means she isn’t okay at all. 

“I’ll do whatever you want,” she blurts out, tearing her gaze away from Tori and glancing at Greer with wide eyes. “Please don’t hurt her.”

“I’m afraid it’s far too late for that, my dear Ms. West,” he smiles cruelly. “You’ve proven to be far too much of a nuisance than you might prove to be as an asset, my dear. It’s nothing personal, I assure you.” 

Tori just glares back at him, her jaw tensed. Jade knows her well enough to know that she’s trying to use that quick brain of hers to find a way out, to  _ do something _ . But she knows it’s futile; she’s tried to run too many times to count and though Tori is stronger, she’s also surrounded and with only seconds to spare. 

Greer nods at a man who steps up and hands him a gun. He undoes one of Jade’s restraints and hands it to her as she looks up at him in shock. 

“Shoot her, my dear.” 

Relief grips her; this has to be a simulation. It has to be, right? There’s no way that Greer would hand her a loaded gun if it wasn’t. 

Giving Tori another look, she bites her lip and points the gun at her. The way Tori tenses and looks hurt and betrayed seems all too real, but Jade doesn’t buy it. 

_ Just a simulation, just a simulation, just a simulation… _

The loud bang that erupts from the gun when she squeezes the trigger is enough to make her jump and suddenly, the gun is being pulled from her grasp and she’s been unhooked from the machine. She gapes at the Latina still standing there, eyes wide and filled with too many emotions to name as she glares at Jade. 

“Well done, my dear!” Greer is praising, patting her on the back. “You may not have killed Ms. Vega, but you’ve killed any chance you had at reconciliation with her. Samaritan was right about this exercise.” 

He continues to talk but Jade can’t hear him, too busy listening to the things Tori is shouting her. 

For the first time, she sees true hatred shining in her dark eyes, and somehow, it’s worse than the nine months of brainwashing and mental torment could have ever been. 

Her last thought as she’s led away is that they have indeed broken her at last. There’s nothing she won’t do anymore, not when she doesn't even have Tori to fight for now.


	3. Selfish (Teaser)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Emotional and physical abuse  
> Day 3: Betrayal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Few things about this one.  
> First and foremost: TW: Emotional and physical abuse are used heavily throughout this one. 
> 
> Secondly, this is actually a teaser of sorts for a project I have in the works. I've been trying to complete You Don't Know Me before starting another multichapter, but this one keeps calling to me, so I'm not sure if I can resist much longer. Please do let me know what you think!
> 
> Third (and most importantly) of all: I owe a huge debt of gratitude to @WasabiDuckies for some of the dialogue used within this chapter and for a lot of the ideas for this and the overall fic in general. This would almost certainly have never made it past my crow brain's "ooh! shiny new idea! stockpile it!" phase if not for her wonderful input! Thank you!

Jade’s drunk again. 

She’s drunk enough that Tori can hear the scraping of her key against the door for at least a minute straight before she finally gets the key in the lock. Then it’s another thirty seconds before she can manage to turn it, the lock clicking and the door swinging open as she stumbles through it. 

It’s the third time this week that she’s stumbled in drunk without so much as a text to let Tori know she’s going to be late. More than that, it’s become a weekly occurrence over the past three months and Tori has no idea what to do about it. 

It’s not just the drinking though. It’s the way that drinking sparks Jade’s short temper, the way that it makes her snap and say all of the things Tori knows she keeps bottled up inside when she’s sober. 

Tori hates it but what she really hates is that she’s almost relieved when she comes home drunk because at least she knows that Jade will be honest with her. 

“Why are you up?” Jade mumbles, kicking the door shut and dropping her keys on the counter. 

“Because I was worried about my  _ girlfriend _ ,” Tori snaps, temper flaring as Jade tries to bend over to take her shoes off and almost falls over. “This is the third time this week, Jade. Didn’t I ask you to at  _ least  _ call me when you’re going to be late?”

Finally managing to succeed in getting her shoes off, Jade stumbles over and drops onto the couch beside Tori. “I forgot.” 

“You forgot.” Tori’s voice is flat, emotionless and it’s enough to catch even Jade’s drunken attention as she stands up. “You forgot to text or call me, or you forgot that you have a girlfriend? Because I swear, Jade, sometimes I wonder if you even know I exist.”

“How could I not know with you  _ nagging me  _ all the goddamn time?” Jade scoffs angrily, struggling to her feet and glaring at Tori with hate-filled eyes. “God, you’re as bad as your mother was, no wonder your dad left her.” 

“Jade!” 

“I’m  _ sorry  _ that we can’t all be as perfect as you, Tori. I’m sorry that I’m such a fuck up and you have to put up with me like the goddamn saint that you are. But you know what? Sikowitz was right. You’re never going to make it as a pop star, Tori. You don’t have the voice for it and that’s why you’re stuck waiting tables at that stupid restaurant and you will be for the rest of your life,” she said, her voice deliberately cruel and even. 

“How can you stand there and say those things?” Tori whispers, her voice trembling as she wraps her arms tightly around herself. “Do you even hear yourself, Jade?”

“I hear myself just fine, Vega,” she bit off the words viciously. “Your mother’s a whore and your dad’s even worse than mine. At least mine cared enough to look at me once in a while.” 

“Jade, please,” Tori pleads, shaking her head as tears stream down her face. It’s hardly the first time Jade’s yelled at her like this, but this time  _ feels  _ different somehow. It feels like she’s  _ enjoying  _ twisting the knife into Tori’s heart, like she’s taking some sick pleasure from it and, worst of all…

It feels like she  _ means  _ it. 

“Please what?” Jade laughs cruelly, advancing as Tori stumbles back. “What do you want to beg me for now? Isn’t it enough that we’re both failures, Tori? What else could you possibly want to take from me?” 

Tori takes another step back but her knees hit the back of the couch and she falls backwards onto it. Hurriedly standing back up, she turns as she keeps Jade in her sights. 

She feels stalked, like she’s prey to a dangerous predator who has her in their sights and she doesn’t like it. Not at all. 

She doesn’t think she’s ever actually been afraid of Jade before, but there’s a burning fury in her eyes, her hands are balled into fists and she takes another step back.

“Have you been taking your pills--”

“Medicine is supposed to  _ help  _ people Tori,  _ NOT  _ turn them into MONSTERS!” Jade hisses, the quietness of it somehow more terrifying then if she’d screamed it. 

"Jade, please," Tori whimpers, standing still as she tries to catch her breath. 

“They’re destroying US, Tori! Don’t you see that? All I ever wanted was love and you took that from me!” Jade sobs, all of the fury in her eyes melting away and leaving a lost and confused look as they glaze over with tears and confusion.

"Jade that is not why--" Tori tries to protest. 

“Oh, so you  _ are  _ cutting me off?!” And just like that, the walls are back up and the fury is shining in her eyes but Tori forces herself to stay still. “Maybe you should just ignore me, Tori. Oh, I know! You could have me locked up. That would make it really easy to forget about me just like my father did!”

“Jade, baby, please calm down,” Tori whispers, daring to move forward and gently touching her arm. 

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” Jade screams in a burst of fury, jerking her arm away from Tori with a glare. “You’ve done enough,” she hisses, and suddenly her hand lashes out, catching Tori in the chest and shoving her backwards forcefully. 

She stumbles backwards, arms flailing for anything to catch herself on but there’s nothing and she falls, crashing into the coffee table with a sickening thud. 

There’s a terrible, heavy silence as she tries to catch the breath that was knocked out of her and then, a sharp, burning pain in her right arm begins to scream at the same time she feels a pain in her cheek. Struggling to sit up, she hisses when she automatically uses her right arm to push herself up and it protests. 

“Tori?” Jade whispers, her face pale as she stares at her. “Oh my god, Tori,” she sobs, rushing over. 

“Don’t touch me!” Tori orders as she somehow manages to stand from the wreckage of what had been their coffee table, hugging her arm to her chest. 

“Tori please, I’m so sorry, baby,” Jade pleads, but Tori refuses to let the words sway her. For the first time, she feels nothing when she thinks of hurting the woman in front of her. She’s not Jade, she’s not the woman she’s spent the last four years loving, she’s  _ nobody  _ and Tori’s tired of living with a stranger. 

“You know what, Jade? I was wrong. You never really meant anything to me,” she says calmly, the icy fury in her eyes the only sign of what she’s feeling as she deliberately lashes out, wanting to hurt Jade as much as she’s been hurting her. 

“You’re broken,” she says, watching emotionlessly as tears stream down Jade’s face. “You’re beyond fixing.” She wonders if she should feel something when Jade visibly winces, pulling her arms around herself and shaking her head. “You’re not something I have time to handle anymore. Simple as that.” 

The betrayal she sees shining in Jade’s eyes is the first thing to spark any kind of reaction in Tori, but she refuses to let it distract her. Still staring into her eyes, she delivers the final blow. 

“We’re done. I want you out of here tonight.” 

And with that, she walks into the bathroom, pulling out her cell phone as she gazes at the deep cut oozing blood. Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes wild and glassy, and she knows that she’s in shock.

But whatever morning brings, she knows with a deep-set certainty that she won’t regret breaking up with the stranger in her now-former girlfriend’s body. The cut on her cheek and the pain in her probably-fractured arm are proof enough that it needed to happen. 

“Trina? I need you to take me to the hospital.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost forgot to mention that this all came about because of a prompt I found on Tumblr! 
> 
> Prompt: “You know what? I was wrong. You never really meant anything to me. You’re broken, you’re beyond fixing, you’re not something I want to take time to handle. Simple as that.”
> 
> And one last note: Selfish by Madison Beer is pretty much the vibe of this whole fight (and indeed, what their relationship has devolved into) from Tori's point of view. (And it will work for the entire first chapter once I get it all written out, but just a teaser to whet your appetites and see the interest level.)


	4. Day 4: Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 4: Jealousy  
> Prompt: "And after this over, feel free to lose my number."

Jade truly doesn't know what's wrong with her. 

It's been almost three years that she and Tori have been together. Three years of them both making mistakes and fighting and making up. Three years of them both loving each other more intensely than she'd ever thought possible. 

Three years of Jade never being able to stop wondering if Tori really felt the way she did. Three years of Jade watching men  _ and _ women openly flirt with her girlfriend, always wondering if one of them would win her over and take her away from her. Three years of Jade trying her best to hide the jealousy gnawing at her insides, threatening to eat her alive each time she saw Tori give one of them a sweet smile. 

Jealousy had been one of the biggest factors of her and Beck's constant fights, after all, and Jade couldn't lose Tori. But sometimes, she wondered as she watched Tori cluelessly hug her ogling classmate, she wondered if she'd lose her by  _ not _ saying anything. 

~

It was on their third anniversary that everything fell apart.

They'd gone out to dinner at a fancy restaurant and at first, everything had been great. Tori looked beautiful in her pink dress, the wine they were sharing having put color in both of their cheeks. Everything had been fine until they'd ordered dessert and they were approached by a typical man who didn't understand they were on a *date* and truly didn't want the "pleasure" of his company. 

Tori, as usual, seemed to have no idea what was going on and she indulged him for a few minutes, the smile on his face growing wider. Jade grit her teeth and stayed quiet, her anger rising as each second ticked by. 

Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. "We're on a date, jackass," she growled, one hand automatically going to the scissors that were, as always, tucked into the waistband of her skirt. "Now get lost." 

"Jade!" 

Luckily for the interloper, he disappeared with a quick goodbye to Tori and Jade was left alone with a frowning, disapproving girlfriend. 

"You can't be serious, Vega," she groaned, shaking her head. "You can't seriously think that he was just being friendly."

"Of course I don't," Tori scoffed, folding her arms over her chest. "But there was no need to be rude to him, Jade!"

"So some dude thinks our relationship isn't valid enough to respect the fact that we're clearly out on a *date* and somehow *I'm* the one in trouble for telling him to get lost? Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Jade, what's going on?" Tori demanded, hurt pooling in her eyes as she stared across the table. "Why is this suddenly coming up *now* when it hasn't been an issue before?" 

"It's always been an issue," Jade hissed, tensing as soon as the words escaped without her permission. 

Tori's eyes widened, surprise and hurt flashing through them before landing on anger. 

Good, Jade thought. Anger, she could deal with. Anger, she knew how to fight against. 

"So what, you've just been pretending to be okay? For what, our entire relationship? Jade, I can't believe you'd keep that from me." 

Fuck. Disappointment colored her tone and that was something Jade could not handle. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

"Tori..."

"We're leaving." 

Tori abruptly slid out of the booth and went to the front without so much as a look back to make sure Jade was following, which, of course she was. 

They didn't speak again until they got home, the silence between them fraught with tension. But as soon as the door was shut behind Jade, Tori had whirled around to face her. 

"Go ahead. Tell me why you've kept something like this from me for so long, Jade. Tell me why you apparently don't trust me at all," she ordered, her voice filled with rage. But to Jade, all she could hear was the mournfulness behind it, the little undercurrent of grief that only she could hear and god, did it hurt her. 

"Tori..."

"I've never doubted you, Jade. I've never tried to change you at all, have I?" Jade mutely shook her head, despite being certain she wasn't truly asking. "No, I haven't. I've asked you to be honest with me, that's it. I don't ask for you to change or to be anyone but yourself. But when it comes to doing one little thing for me, you hide it for three fucking years?" 

The sound of Tori cursing is enough to make her head rise sharply, her eyes finding tears streaming down her girlfriend's face. "Tori, it's not about that," she swallowed, nervously pushing her hair back. 

"Jealousy is what got between me and Beck. I thought that I could deal with it on my own, that I had dealt with it. But tonight..." She swallowed, trying to think fast as she watched Tori slip out of her grasp while only a few feet away from her. "I just lost it," she said softly, her eyes begging for absolution but receiving none. 

Tori took a deep breath and slowly shook her head. "Three years, Jade," she whispered, looking more broken than Jade had ever seen. "Three years and god knows how many years before that and I put up with everything you threw at me. I thought you were worth it, that we'd be worth it."

"Tori, we are," she whispered desperately, taking a step forward. She halted immediately when Tori held up her hand, shaking her head slowly. "Baby, please don't do this," she begged, tears slowly coursing down her face as she recognized the look on her face. 

Resolve.

Despair. 

The look of a person who'd had enough and was about to walk away. 

It was a face Jade had seen too many times in her life. 

On her father, the night he'd left her screaming for him in her mother's arms. 

On Beck, the night she'd given him an ultimatum and walked out the door, confident he'd follow despite the look on his face. On the night that they'd broken up for good after a half-hour screaming match in her bedroom. 

On her father again, the night before graduation when he'd come by to announce that his new wife was pregnant and they were moving. They hadn't spoken since. 

And now the look is back but now is different because *now*, Jade knows that there will be no second chance with Tori. She's used up her second and third and fourth and god knows how many more in spades over the years and this, right here and now, this is *it*. 

If Tori leaves, Jade knows that she won't see her again and the thought is enough to drive her to her knees, nearly collapsing as she stares up at Tori. "I'm so sorry, Tori. Please, just give me another chance," she begged, blinking to try to clear her vision from the tears that were pouring forth now. "I know I fucked up, I just felt so lost--"

Tori laughed bitterly. "You felt lost, Jade? God, get in line," she sniffled. "We're done, Jade. I can't do this anymore and neither can you. You can sleep on the couch tonight but I want you out of here by tomorrow. And after this over, feel free to lose my number." 

"Tori," Jade breathed, her heart splintering in her chest as she wiped at her eyes so roughly she scratched just under her eye. It was enough to watch Tori walk out the front door and although Jade thought maybe she could catch her, change her mind, she knew she didn't have the energy to stand even if she thought that was a reality. 

She was reaping what she'd sown, she knew as the numbness broke and an inhuman cry bubbled up in her throat and passed through her lips, shattering the tomb-like silence of what had once been a home.


	5. Day 5: Cursed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 5: Cursed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I asked for help on the Jori discord (please see end note before saying anything about the server, thank you) and received a welcome prompt for this day! 
> 
> Also, a sidenote: This is a writing exercise for me to play around with different formats and tenses and POVs and such. If something doesn't work for you, please tell me! I don't know what to work on if you guys don't tell me what isn't working for you as a reader. 
> 
> That being said: this is an AU. This one will be OOC because I wanted to play around with more flowery language and emotions she has hiding. 
> 
> Thanks, and enjoy!!

You never notice the way my eyes linger on you because I make sure that they only do when you’re looking away or too preoccupied to take notice. You never notice the way I so often reach out to touch you, a habit I’ve long-since broken except for you, only to freeze halfway through, my arm heavy as it drops back down to my side. 

I’ve spent years, an entire lifetime erecting walls and safeguards but somehow, you waltzed through every single one. Hardly a day goes by that I don’t want to touch you, and hardly any more time than that passes that I don’t make an attempt to do just that. 

Years of training can’t override instinct, I see that now. You taught me that, and every time that you touch me is a new little death because you have no idea. You have no idea how much I long to return your touch, your embrace. 

If I was the one who would pay the price, I’d do it without a second thought. 

But I’m not. 

How could I ever give into my own selfish desires, my sheer  _ need _ , when it would close those pretty caramel eyes forever? 

As much as I’d willingly give my life to hold you, to know what it feels like to kiss you, your life would be the cost and it’s too high of one to pay. 

It’s better if I die anew every day, watching you laugh and joke and  _ touch  _ and know that my fingers will never know the sensation of your skin under mine. It’s better that you continue wondering why I show you bits and pieces of the soul I try so hard to hide one minute and shove you away the next. 

It’s better this way, although it may not seem like it. This way, you keep breathing and my heart keeps beating because yours is a loss I would not overcome. And though I might wish to die at the thought of never holding you the way I want to, it’s nothing compared to the weight I would feel if I cost you your life for my own comfort. 

You never notice the way I stare at you when you aren’t looking or the way that I have to forcibly stop myself from touching you, but that’s the way that it has to be. This life is a curse, it was always meant to be so, but I don’t think even the ones who cursed me could have predicted just how badly it would hurt when you walked into my life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note about the Jori discord: Please do not leave reviews solely asking about the discord. As of this writing, the only way to obtain the link is to find the Jori group chat on Tumblr and ask about it. I have no power over it and any comments that *solely* reference the discord will be deleted. Thank you!
> 
> OH, and as always, please do come scream with me about Jori @ amandadawnblock on Tumblr!


	6. Just A Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 6: Unrequited Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 6: Unrequited Love  
> Also inspired by a prompt: "Jade forgetting everything but Tori after an accident… but not remembering they broke up some time ago."
> 
> This was written in one go and is being posted unedited simply because I want it to exist as it is and get your thoughts. Please let me know what you think!

At first, it had all seemed like a bad joke. 

Wouldn’t you think so if you got the call that your soon-to-be ex-wife had been in a car accident and none of her family could be reached, could you come down and take care of some things relating to her treatment? 

It was just dumb luck (or lack thereof, really) that she woke up while you were filling out the final forms. Just pure, stupid timing that ruined your life. 

Because even now, you haven’t moved on enough to resist the pull of hearing that she’s asking for you. You can’t  _ not  _ go to her, not after she nearly died. You’ve been separated for almost a year and only seen each other a few times and you can’t help but wonder how she’s changed. 

Jade had always changed her appearance like some change clothes and even though that particular habit had calmed down after high school, you aren’t surprised to find her with brunette hair with pink and purple streaks scattered throughout when you go into the room. 

You aren’t prepared for the look she gives you, though. 

And you’re definitely not prepared for her to tell you that she loves you, the words sending a pang through your heart. But it’s not just the words; it’s the way she says them with such conviction hanging from them and burning in her eyes. 

You can’t remember the last time she looked at you that way and it leaves your heart sinking like a stone in your chest because that had been a major reason for the separation in the first place. 

“What’s the date, Jade?” you asked in a whisper, and you’re not surprised when she gets the year wrong. 

You leave the room without a word, talking to doctor after doctor. They all say the same thing after multiple tests: she has amnesia and the best thing for her is familiarity. Take her somewhere she knows, pretend like everything is the same as the time period she remembers, don’t act strangely or try to push her to remember. 

It all seems like hell and your lungs feel like they aren’t getting enough air as you prepare your apartment to look lived-in by two people instead of one. You moved out of your shared apartment months ago, so it’s all you can do to try to make it seem like you both live here. 

The lie sits heavy as a stone on your chest, the weight crushing your heart slowly beneath it as you try to ignore the love you saw shining in those blue-green eyes. 

If it had only been months ago, maybe you would have had a chance. You’d spent months of the separation in tears, longing for her touch, for the way her eyes used to hold so much love and warmth when they looked at you, back before it was replaced with resentment and loathing. 

But somehow, you’ve managed to heal yourself. You have a life that’s completely your own now, friends and maybe a date or two that felt special enough to think of even now. 

You hadn’t even realized it until you saw her eyes staring at you, but you’ve moved on. Jade is in the past and you wish with all your heart that you could leave her there. 

Trina told you as much when you spoke to her. She’s never understood the two of you, why you have always let Jade get away with murder when it comes to you. She even suggested that Jade might be faking, though that was taking it too far even for you. 

She didn’t see the way Jade looked at you, though, so you forgive her. Jade may be a great actress, but not even she could fake that kind of emotion. She’d proven that through the last months of their marriage, trying and failing to convince Tori that she still cared about her. 

~ 

The day that you bring Jade home, you already don’t know if you can do this. 

There’s already been several touches and caresses and even a stolen kiss and  _ god _ , you’ve always been a gifted actress but you can only do so much to hide the way you tensed up at every one. 

You want to scream as you watch Jade move through space, space that’s supposed to be  _ yours _ and untainted by memories of her. But you bite your tongue and remain silent as you fix some sandwiches, stealing glances her way and wondering when the sight of her ceased to make your heart flutter. 

Now, there’s just an emptiness there as you watch her move around the room and that’s when you know that it’s really over. 

And then Jade looks at you with  _ those eyes  _ again and you slip, cutting your finger with the knife and it feels like some kind of cosmic joke. Holding your finger under running water as Jade frets beside you, you can’t do anything to stop the insane laughter that bubbles up inside of you from escaping from your lips. 

The blood mingles with the water as your grief mingles with your amusement at the gigantic joke your life has become. 

You have no idea that it’s only going to get harder. 

~

A month in, and Jade still hasn’t remembered anything.

You sleep in the same bed, you kiss every morning, you do the things you always used to do and it’s almost alarming how easily you’ve fallen back into the patterns the two of you shared. Sometimes you look at her and the ghost of an emotion you once might have felt flits through you, but it leaves nothing but emptiness and numbness in its wake. 

And as you watch her take a bite of toast, only to flash you a smirk before reaching out to grab your hand, you marvel at the fact that once, you’d thought the greatest pain you’d ever bear was loving Jade West. 

Now it’s become not loving her, the burning pain of unrequited love turning into the icy coldness of being on the other side of it. 

Where once you’d cried yourself to sleep, you’re no longer able to cry at all. 

You once had dreamed of Jade looking at you the way she does now, all soft eyes and an almost-smile as she picks up her coffee cup, now it just slices into your soul and the guilt burns like salt in the wound. 

You’d once thought you would give anything just to know what it felt like to kiss her, now her kisses taste like poison and threaten to destroy you. 

Once, you’d thought that being loved by Jade West would be the best thing that would ever happen to you, a dream come true. 

And now, it’s just a nightmare. 


	7. I Watch Your Life In Pictures Like I Used To Watch You Sleep (And I Feel You Forget Me Like I Used To Feel You Breathe)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 7: Forgotten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 7: Forgotten 
> 
> I was just listening to music when the inspiration for this (and the title inspiration) started playing and I was immediately struck with the most bittersweet feeling. Taylor Swift's Last Kiss is truly moving and I owe it a ton of credit for inspiring this.

Sometimes, Jade still reads through their old text messages. The last one is dated two years, nine months, and thirteen days ago and she can recite it and most of the messages from memory but still she reads them. 

She tells herself it’s better to be in pain than to lose any bit of Tori she has left

Tonight, she’s stalking her social media accounts. Picture after picture of Tori smiling, her eyes bright and her warm smile fill her screen as she scrolls through website after website. 

Jade thinks she’s crazy; she must be. Why else would she subject herself to this kind of torture but still be _happy_ that Tori is so clearly doing well without her? 

With a click of the mouse, she’s on her own page and with another click, she’s going through her photo albums until she finds the one she’s looking for. The photos are all candid and she doesn’t know if that makes them easier or harder to look at as she clicks on the first one and is instantly transported back in time. 

_Jade West doesn’t run._

_But okay, she might have once._

_It was July and she’d just finished shooting her first film. The scent of rain is fresh on the pavement and she swears she can feel Tori’s heart beating through her shirt as she pulls her close, too thrilled to finally be back there after almost a month away to care about their friends snapping photos._

_She pulls back and kisses Tori…_

And suddenly, she’s rudely snapped back to reality as she always is when she tries to remember their kisses. 

With a sigh, she gently touches her fingers to her lips and closes her eyes, but she knows it’s pointless. There’s a block in her mind that simply won’t allow it; she supposes it’s a defense mechanism of some kind and she should be grateful for it, but she isn’t. She just wants to remember what it felt like to kiss Tori, to feel her kiss her back. 

It’s been almost three years and she still misses everything about her, but the intimacy just a single kiss could bring might be the thing she misses most of all. 

With a sigh, she clicks out of the photos and takes another few minutes to look at photos of Tori. She figures she can look for no more than thirty minutes a day before she ventures into stalker territory and god knows she does enough stalkerish things without adding to the list. 

But all thoughts of that are wiped from her mind when she finds a picture that had been taken at Nozu’s. Tori’s smile is as bright as ever and there’s nothing in her eyes to indicate she’s feeling anything and suddenly, Jade’s chest aches so much she can hardly bear it. 

She shuts her Pearbook down, stripping and leaving her clothes where they fall on her way to the bedroom. Opening the closet, she pulls out one of the nightshirts that Tori had left behind and pulls it over her head. It had belonged to David at one point so it was baggy on her but that just made her feel more comfortable. 

Of course, feeling closer to Tori did too, even if the other girl had forgotten she existed. 

Sometimes she likes to smell the shirt and pretend she can pick up traces of Tori’s scent, but it had faded long ago and tonight, it hurts too much to pretend. Instead, she crawls into bed and stares up at the ceiling before taking her Pearphone off the charger and speed dialing Cat. 

“Hi hi!” her familiar voice trills in Jade’s ear, only the fact that she’d already pulled the phone away from it keeping her from wincing at the volume. 

“Hey Cat,” she smiles slightly, her best friend’s usual perkiness as contagious as it always was and helping to cheer her up just a bit. “How is everything?” 

“It’s great, Jade! They signed me on for another six months,” she gushes and Jade can’t help but smile even more. Cat’s making it, really making it on Broadway and she feels oddly proud of the little redhead. She’d landed an understudy role almost a year back and, after performing in a few shows to very positive reviews, she’d been chosen to take over the role when the actress had left. 

“That’s great, Cat,” she says, absolutely meaning it. 

“How are you, Jade?” Cat asks, her tone turning cautious and concerned, and just like that, Jade’s back on edge. 

“I’m fine,” she says, knowing she sounds distant even as she says it. Damn, where were her acting chops when she needed them? “I might have an offer on one of my scripts.” 

They chat for another twenty minutes, jumping from topic to topic about who’s doing what and it’s only after Cat’s rambled on about what Robbie’s up to that Jade plucks up the courage to ask what she had really called to ask. “So what’s Tori up to these days?” she asks, feigning casualness as best she can even though she knows it’s a lost cause. 

People who consider Cat stupid or unobservant might be right some of the time, but not even most of it. And in the silence that passes between them in the seconds after she asked, Jade knows this is not one of those times. 

But, bless her soul, Cat is as aware of what Jade needs as ever and she doesn’t question it. “She’s great, Jade,” she answers slowly, her voice holding a note of apology. “She just got offered the lead in a musical that’s filming in LA this summer, so maybe…” 

“That’s great, Cat,” Jade cuts her off, unable to hear any more. Tori doesn’t want her anymore, hasn’t in almost three years. If she starts to think about her ex-girlfriend being that close to her and not wanting or remembering her at all, she stands every chance of breaking down. 

So she blocks it out the same way she’s blocked out everything bad that’s happened in her life. She gets off the phone with Cat, turns the lights out, and crawls back under the covers, pulling Tori’s pillow to her chest and wrapping her arms around it as she tries to sleep. 

When she finally manages it, she dreams of stolen kisses and laughter and tears as she came home from another movie role to an empty apartment, nothing of Tori remaining but her dad’s stupid sweatshirt still hanging in the closet. She dreams of ignored phone calls and unanswered text messages and of going from holding the love of her life in her arms as they sleep to watching her morph into a stranger who exists only in photos on a computer screen. 

She goes from someone who’s actually, genuinely happy for the first time in her life to a borderline stalker who’s only happy when she’s engulfed in her ex-girlfriend’s sweatshirt and hugging her pillow to her chest, thinking about the photos she’s seen that day and just hoping she’s happy. 

Because she’s Jade West and she’ll always be in love with Tori Vega. And, maybe one day, she’ll understand why they had to have a last kiss at all. 


	8. & I Keep Up With Our Old Friends Just To Ask Them How You Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 8: Terminal Illness  
> A continuation of the previous chapter's timeline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is, as the summary states, a continuation of the previous chapter's timeline. It's something I knew I wanted to do, but I couldn't quite figure out _how_ until I started writing just now. I definitely recommend reading them together!

Jade's dying. 

  
Jade's dying and all that she wants in her stupidly limited time that she has left is to see the person she shouldn't still be in love with, the woman who'd left her without a word of warning so many years ago. She wants to hate herself for still loving someone who could hurt her in such a way, but she can't change the way she feels and she's never been able to get rid of her feelings for Tori Vega. And it's not for lack of trying, either; she's done everything she knows how to do to try, and to no avail. No matter how many people she sleeps with, no matter how hard she tries to fall in love, she's forever haunted by the famous singer and the knowledge that she's still single. 

  
She knows it's fucked up to hope that Tori might feel the same way and that could be why she hasn't dated anyone seriously since their break-up, at least not that the media has caught wind of, but she can't help it. 

Andre tries to talk her out of the idea for a couple of weeks before he finally gives in with a sigh. "You know I think this is a stupid idea, Jade," he tells her with a weariness to his voice that lets her know that she won. 

  
"I know," she confirms, shifting to try and get more comfortable against the mound of pillows propping her up. "But thanks, Andre." 

  
"Don't thank me yet," he sighs, and then they say their goodbyes and she's left alone to wait and wonder. 

  
As it turns out, it's the next day when Andre calls her back, and she nearly drops the phone in her bowl of soup in her excitement. It's news that she'd hardly dared to hope for, though Andre is cautious as he tells her that Tori does want to see her. Jade doesn't pay attention, only having ears for the news that her ex-girlfriend does want to meet. Surely she wouldn't want to do that if there wasn't still something between them, right? 

  
Unfortunately, as luck would have it, the date of their would-be lunch is a bad day and Jade finds herself unable to gather the strength to get out of bed. But when she texts Andre this, Tori still being unwilling to give her phone number out apparently, he makes arrangements for the other woman to come to her house instead. 

Jade doesn't know what she's expecting to see or feel when Tori Vega walks through her bedroom door, but the pain in her heart even as it flutters in her chest shouldn't be a surprise. She manages a weak smile even as she watches Tori's face fall at the sight of her, spirits oddly bolstered by the sadness that flashes through her eyes before disappearing to be replaced by a coolness Jade doesn't recognize. 

"Tori," she manages with another weak smile. "You came." She's too far gone to care about the vulnerability in her words or how her voice cracks slightly from the emotion of it all. The mask she's spent an entire lifetime perfecting hardly matters now that her life is coming to an end. "I was hoping you would." 

"Of course I did," Tori sighs, sitting down in the chair beside her bed. "How could I not, Jade?" she asks quietly, sadly. "How long have you known?"   
"That I have the tumor that's going to kill me? A month, give or take," Jade answers, watching as Tori winces slightly. "I'm sorry." 

"You're sorry?" Tori asks bitterly, shaking her head. "You don't have anything to be sorry for, Jade, I do." She swallows hard, meeting Jade's eyes with another wince. "I never stopped loving you. And god, when I think about all this time that I've wasted..." 

"Why did you leave?" Jade asked quietly, hands twisting nervously on top of the blanket. "If you never stopped loving me, then why did you just leave me like that? God, Tori, I never stopped loving you either. I tried, I really did." 

"Jade..." She reached out and tentatively took one of her hands, relaxing slightly when Jade didn't resist as she twined her fingers through hers. "I found out I had cancer," she said quietly, keeping her eyes trained on their hands. "They didn't know how serious it was and they wanted me to fly to a facility that was doing ground-breaking treatment trials and I couldn't put you through any of it," she sighed, finally glancing back up at Jade. 

Shocked, Jade could do nothing but stay quiet, having no idea what to say to Tori's revelation. So many sleepless and tear-filled nights, so many years of longing for the woman sitting by her bedside, and it took the very thing that had torn them apart to bring them back together? 

"I don't blame you if you want me to leave," Tori said quietly, starting to pull her hand back. 

But with an intensity that surprised even her, given her weakened state, Jade tightened her grip and tugged her back. "I don't want you to go," she said firmly, eyes searching Tori's before she gave her wrist another little tug to convince her to lean in closer. 

And as their lips connected for the first time in years, it felt like no time had passed at all. And although Jade knew that they would still have to have a last kiss eventually, she was glad that it could be one that she knew would be the last. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Taylor Swift's _Last Kiss_. Please let me know what you thought! 
> 
> And, as always, please come scream with me about Jori on Tumblr @amandadawnblock


	9. RIP To The Old You, I Fuckin' Miss You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 9: Neglect
> 
> TW: alcoholism, overdose, abuse, neglect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: alcoholism, overdose, abuse, neglect

_I swear it's like I don't even know you  
Yeah, I miss the old you  
I kinda want to fight like we used to  
To make it alright like we used to  
Anything, 'cause I didn't want to lose you  
But this time we've gone too far  
We've gone too far_

Somehow, you always thought it would end with a bang, not a whimper. 

No one could blame you for that, not with her temper. From the day you'd met her, she'd shown off her short fuse with a flourish, dumping that iced coffee over your head and sending you running from the room in near tears, wanting nothing more than to go home. 

Sometimes, you can't help but wish that you had, that Andre hadn't followed you and convinced you to stay. You think that it might have been easier, better, if you'd never met or loved Jade West. 

But, you had stayed and, though her temper remained mostly volatile, it sometimes waned enough for you to see through it to the soft, scared girl hiding behind the hardened shell, and it made you more determined to coax that girl out. 

And eventually, on graduation day, you'd managed to do just that. You'd kissed her in the janitor's closet with moments to go before you walked across the stage, and the photos forever immortalized the smile on your face because  _ she'd kissed you back _ . 

From high school to college, your relationship had grown and survived; honestly, it had even  _ thrived _ despite the distance between you, and when she'd asked you to move in with her right before you received your bachelor's degrees together, of course you'd agreed. 

What you couldn't have known is that your relationship hadn't thrived  _ despite _ the distance between you, but  _ because of it _ . 

The first fight had happened just days after you'd moved in together. You had been texting Cat when she demanded to know who you were talking to, and when you wouldn't tell her, she'd jerked the phone from your hand and read the messages despite your protests. 

That alone had rankled, but she'd apologized moments later and sworn never to do it again, and you believed her. 

But, looking back, you think that's the same moment that everything began to crumble. 

Your faith in her shaken, you'd tried to play it off and act as though everything was fine. And, for a while, it was. You played your role with the skill of the actress you'd learned to be years ago, and at some point you forgot that it was a role at all. 

And then, things had gone from bad to worse and you still have no idea what triggered it. At some point, she'd stopped talking to you and you'd stopped talking to her and you'd become veritable strangers living in the same house. So when she had come home with a bottle of rum and drank almost the entire thing in one night, you had no idea what had happened or how to talk to her about it. 

Before long, the drinking had become your new normal and sometimes, you even preferred it when you saw her with the brown paper bag in hand, knowing that it meant it was another night when you could just exist and be yourself without having to play the role that was enmeshed in your very DNA at this point. The 'you' you had once been was long gone, but you still enjoyed the nights when you could at least catch a glimmer of her in the things you'd once enjoyed doing. 

But even that couldn't last, not for long. Soon, it became clear to you and to everyone who knew her that Jade had a drinking problem. The intervention was Cat's idea; you'd tried to talk her out of it but she was too worried about her friend, so you'd given up and gone along with it. 

That was the last time Jade West had even looked at you, and the look of pure disdain in her eyes was enough to shut you up mid sentence. You were almost thankful for it, the speech you'd prepared coming out as stilted and insincere as it  _ was _ , but you couldn't deny that it stung. 

In the next four months, she'd refused to look or speak to you at all unless it was vitally important or you were with friends, and the sting of neglect was more profound than you'd ever known it could be. 

The way it felt to be totally ignored and shut out by someone who'd once meant the world to you was almost more painful than knowing you'd fallen out of love with her years ago, and the wasted time neither of you could give up if it meant defeat ticked on towards an end you can't possibly imagine. 

And the day that you wake up beside her cold body and realize she'd overdosed on pills, you feel nothing but a hollow sense of relief that fucks you up more than the silence and neglect ever had. 

A whimper, not a bang, and the entire damn house of cards is falling down around your head and, however fucked up it may be, you can’t help the laugh that bubbles from your lips. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title & lyrics from the start taken from _RIP_ by **Olivia O'Brien**


	10. you said forever, now i drive alone past your street

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 10: Ghost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write angst tonight, so I finally listened to Driver's License and this poured out of me. 
> 
> I have a feeling that I will write a proper one shot with this song soon, but enjoy this tidbit in the meantime! And please let me know what you think!

Two years. 

It’s hard to believe that it’s been that long, and it’s even harder to believe that it hasn’t been longer. 

Time has been your enemy since she left, somehow ticking by agonizingly slowly even as the days pass in a rush so fast that each day fades into the next, leaving you unable to tell the difference. 

Two years almost to the day, and you’ve finally done what you and she used to dream about. You’re sitting in the driver’s seat of your very own car, the slip of paper that temporarily serves as your license tucked carefully away in your purse, and you feel freer than you’ve ever felt in your life. Exhilaration rushes through you like you’ve never known as you press down on the brake and turn the key in the ignition, delighting in the sound of the engine rumbling to life. 

You could go anywhere, do anything, but you catch sight of your unsmiling eyes in the rearview mirror and see the sadness hidden in their depths and that’s when you feel it encroaching on your joy, tinting it with shadows of grief. That’s when you realize that there’s only one place you want to go, one person you want to see, and the feelings of freedom begin to shrink. Because that’s the one place you can never go again, and she’s the one person you know you’ll never see again. 

///

A week passes and you still feel the same. 

You’ve tried to talk to your friends about it, and they try to understand, but you know they don’t. It’s been two years since the break-up, and you can see the glances they share when they think you aren’t looking. You know they wish that you’d just get over her and move on, though they’re all too nice to say it outright. 

None of them know her the way that you once did, though, and in a way, it makes you almost feel sorry for them. They could never understand the way one smile from her could light up your entire world, knowing her the way that you did. They’ll never understand how in love with her you still are, and how you still cry yourself to sleep most nights thinking about her and what you’ve let slip through your fingers. 

They’ll never understand your pain, and you know that it would be better for everyone if you just kept it to yourself, but it’s just too great. 

That’s why today, a week to the day after getting your driver’s license, you’re going for your first aimless drive. Well, you told your parents and sister it was aimless, anyway. Even your friends seem to believe the lie that flows so effortlessly from your lips, and you’re glad of that. 

Setting out to drive past your ex-girlfriend’s street seems a little extreme, even to you, and you know better than to mention it. 

But that’s what you end up doing, leaving the top down and savoring the warm California sun on your face and the wind whipping your hair around. You can’t see the pain in your eyes this time, thanks to the sunglasses you’ve donned, and it makes the act you’re putting on for yourself a little more believable. 

It’s easy to imagine her sitting in the seat beside you, and for a fleeting moment, the feeling of pure joy and freedom fill you again. You know she’s no more than a ghost, a figment you’ve created out of a desperate need to escape the hell that is your reality, but in this moment, you don’t care. 

You can almost feel her touch as you imagine her taking your hand, giving you a half-smile that sets your stomach alight with butterflies and makes your heart beat a little faster. You pretend that you’re driving her back home after a date, that you’re finally going to pull up in her driveway the way that you’d always talked about before your world crashed down around you. 

You pretend that you’re not driving past your ex-girlfriend’s street more than a few times, imagining a ghostly version of her sitting beside you because your life is so horrifically lonely without her in it. You pretend that you’re not still in love with someone who, by all reports, has moved on and fallen in love again, who pretends that you don’t even exist. 

You pretend like you don’t know that all you’ll ever have of Jade West is her ghost, and you pretend like that could ever be enough. 

And when you finally have to let the fantasy go and return home, you sleep a little easier knowing that at least you can pretend. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from _drivers license_ by **Olivia Rodigo**

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think!


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